Why England Is The Greatest Country On Earth

It is Saint George’s Day, which is naturally not celebrated in England. But the English should probably drink a pint of bitter to celebrate the hoary old dragon slayer, or failing that some English wine (global warming is doing the British Wine industry all sorts of favours). As an Anglo-American I am obviously all messed up (which way is “us”? I usually want to slag off both my home nations, but I am not very good at it; the pesky American in me always comes over all sentimental and optimistic and gives the benefit of the doubt to both sides). So I leave it to a true Englishman to make you laugh today- quite the funniest thing I have read so far this week comes from Kevin, over at texturbation. Here are some excerpts:

“Our newspapers are second to none. They ruthlessly pursue truth and demolish hypocrisy, rather than settling to reprint the two lying sides of frivolous and inconsequential he-said-she-said bitchfights. Everybody in my country reads newspapers. We print pictures of tits, so even stupid folk read them.”

“The English national dish, the chicken vindaloo, is healthier and more titillating to the taste buds than any of the larded plastic turds that pass for food in your so-called nation. Our beer is strong, rich and flavourful, it’s not the undrinkable fizzy pisswater passed off in other nations. We’ve already forgotten more about tea preparation than your country will ever know, even if you come from one of the countries that actually grow the stuff.”

“More recently, our Alan invented the computer and our Tim invented the web, together allowing me to sculpt this cack-handed drivel and enabling you to read it in justified awe.”

Kevin ends with some suicidal thoughts, but I will leave the punchline at his own little corner of the net for you to check out. Probably far funnier than the post itself, and proof positive, as if any were necessary, that England really is the greatest country comes in his first comment, from Richard:

“Excellent! spoken like a true American (resident). *smirk*”

What makes a great nation? The ability to effectively take the piss in less than ten words. That’s the Englishman in me talking.

bonus link: Apparently Saint George was a “queer saint“. You have to love the internets. Picture linked to at pinetreeweb